Oh...So Very Frustrated • March 30th, 2018

You know, what’s funny?...is that I’m always thinking,..“What is it that I am doing wrong Lord???... Why haven’t I’ve seen the goodness of God in abundance,...like others have??? Is there something...that I haven’t done right???... Something that I haven’t prayed yet???” 

Like...why is it... that I’m still going through a lot of the same things or worse now then before??? I mean... I love God and I love sharing God with people and helping others... 

Although, lately it’s like I can barely help myself... and that’s scary... ( I’m a single mother, with a teenage daughter and I’m ill and can’t work outside the house, or even barely in it for that matter) I use to be able to kinda take care of things myself and not really long for or desire for others to help me... or to even really have companionship with. Because,...I know  how hard it is to have relationships and especially when you’re sick and ill, and have a giant responsibility of being a single parent, on top of all that.  

It’s kinda of like drowning.... Dry drowning... flipping and flopping on dry crusty ground. Wondering when and if the floodgates of God’s goodness and abundance will ever come... It gets hard...really..really hard...when you see so many around you enjoying and receiving God’s goodness... Mean while you’re wondering...what is it that I’m doing wrong ???...( And please believe me... that’ve heard them all and tried them too)... 

Have I not surrendered enough???... What else is there for me to do???... I crave and long for so much more than this... Where is the life of abundance that I’ve longed for and craved???... The one that you died for and promised to give to me Lord??? 

I’ve repented so many times...I’ve let go and I’ve even given up and decided that this is it... That this is where I belong... But yet there is still that longing and unsettled feeling deep within my soul... that there is still so... so...very much more to this life... than I know...

 So my prayer and my question is... Where is it Lord???? When will it come???...